I’ve lived with Anxiety most of my life….it can be a debilitating Devil at times, or….it can be a Motivating drive that helps me accomplish difficult tasks and get through trying times.
I am new to this blog thing and I am already feeling anxious as I begin to type…
- It won’t be interesting or understood
- People won’t read it, or, they will read a sentence and be bored
- I will be judged
- It could be so much better if I would have put more time into my research and organizing my thoughts
- My thoughts are scattered and I won’t stay on topic
- I have so many other things to do….am I wasting my time writing a blog post that perhaps no one will even read?
- grammatical errors and run on sentences…haha
Anyone ever have these feelings? Do you avoid pursuing things in FEAR of the above mentioned reasons?
I have so many things that I could share about my experience with anxiety and Fear that began in my early childhood, but I can’t possibly include it all in one post!
I’ll start by sharing the BIG trauma junk first (isn’t that just what you want to read about on a beautiful Friday? haha) Then, I will follow up in later posts, on how my life experiences have affected me both positively and negatively, and how I have coped. Caution….I’m being totally open, honest, and Real! What the hell…..
My Mother and Father had me a little later in life, as they had both been married before. Both my Mother and Father lost their first spouses to death. My Mom’s first husband died unexpectedly, and my Dad’s first wife died of cancer. So both of my Parent’s were grieving the loss of a loved one.
When my parents became pregnant with me (totally unexpected and not planned)…they still had one adopted son living with them. He was 10 years old when I was born. This son had been adopted by my Dad and his previous wife from foster care, and I was told that the young boy had been abused and mistreated terribly before being adopted by my Dad and his wife. He was very troubled and led a hard life resulting in poor health and disease. He passed away when he was 47 years old. I feel very sorry for him and wish that he could have found the good in life.
You see…this adopted stepbrother of mine, sexually abused me when I was about 5 yrs old. He had me do inappropriate things to him and threatened me not to tell, or I would never see my parents again. I didn’t remember this until I was 10 years old. You’ve heard of that “repressed memory” thing right? Then something crazy happens and BOOM….you remember something that you have hidden/repressed. When we are children, we don’t have the tools to handle situations like these, so they get stuffed away in our cellular storage somewhere??? That is what happened to me.
I was in 5th grade when it happened. I remember it like it was yesterday.
My parents had gone on a business trip (day trip) together. I was to be picked up from school by my friends mom. Instead, my sister in-law picked me up early. (I had another half brother and half sister from my Mom’s first marriage and both were much older than I)
When my sister in-law picked me up, she seemed different. She was quiet the whole drive home and I felt that something was up. We arrived at her and my brothers house and my sister in-law put the T.V. on and went to the back part of the house.
When my brother got home from work, he was surprised to see me there and joked about me “playing hooky” again;) We chatted for a couple of minutes and then he disappeared for a little while. My brother had not gotten the horrific news that he was about to tell his little sister.
After some more time had passed, My brother and his wife walked into the living room together, with a strange look on their faces. They said “Amy, we’ve got some bad news to tell you about Mom and Dad”. I immediately sunk down into the couch, bracing myself for what they were about to say. Then they continued to say “Mom and Dad have been in a car accident”. As I started to tremble and sink further into the couch, I asked if my mom and dad were still alive. They said no……
As I retell this story, I have tears rolling down my face. This doesn’t happen that often. So apparently, I’m still very sad. And….that’s OK!
So back to the bad news. I started panicking saying “NO NO NO”….this isn’t real, this is a dream, pinch me….I’m dreaming. I ran outside and just started to run. I didn’t know where I was running or going, or what I was going to do. MY MOMMY and DADDY are DEAD! I just kissed them goodbye this morning. They said they would see me tonight! This couldn’t be real.
This is just the beginning of several crazy things that have influenced my anxiety and fear that have lived with me most of my life. I would like to share my journey with others, because I’m certain that I’m not the only child who has lost one or both parents! In fact, I’m raising two boys who lost their Mother. I will write on that later;)
I’m also not the only person who has been sexually abused. It happens far more often than we are even aware of.
Fortunatley, I have adopted a “can do” and optimistic approach to dealing with my anxiety and childhood Trauma. Some people, unfortunately adopt a “victim” mentality. (This could be really easy to do). I was lucky enough to have a somewhat normal (sister….don’t kill me:) upbringing with love and support in all that I did. Maybe a little dysfunctional, but who doesn’t have dysfunction? If you say you don’t….you are lying.
My whole life, I’ve searched for ways to help myself cope. Sometimes my coping mechanisms were not healthy. However…the negative things that have happened to me, have helped shape me into who I am now. I’m a person of compassion, love, and dedication in helping others who are “stuck”. Whether it be stuck in sadness, stuck in anxiety and fear, or stuck in Pain.
Am I using my energy in helping others, to avoid my own pain? Maybe?
I’m a work in progress, and learning to embrace my fears and anxiety, is one of the best medicines of all. It can be painful, but, That’s OK! It can be Frustrating…that’s OK! And….yes….I still go on roller coaster rides. They are much smaller roller coasters now:)
Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve, learn from your experiences, and share with others. You never know who you might help in doing so.
Thank you to my Brother and Sister for being part of my life. Many others have been so good and supportive as well. Even when I was riding on the big roller coasters.
Special thanks to my Sister Jane and Brother in-Law Butch, who raised me as their own. I was treated no different then their other children. They took me right in and never once made me feel like I was a burden to have. I’m so lucky! I love you guys!